Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Jes' Hangin' out til the Cows Come Home

We’s a little slow here in these parts.

Fer example, we’s bin drivin’ cattle through town fer a hunerd and fifty years. In the summer, we takes them cattle up the mountain fer some free grass. Free food for the cows and our cows help clear away dead brush. That’s real helpful cuz we shore hate forest fires round here. In the fall, we drive them cattle back down that mountain and right through town agin. Everbuddy’s happy.

Well, ‘cept them townsfolk. They get right uppity when those cows go trouncin’ through their yards, tramplin’ their purdy flowers, kickin’ up divots, and splatterin’ cow pies all over their driveways. We kinda make people mad too when they’s tryin’ ta get ta work and the cows got a convoy goin’ on. Shore, the highway’s got four lanes now, but since when cattle bin little bitty critters? Not since I kin recall. But I swear---there ain’t no other way t’get them cows from the mountain to the farms without a cuttin’ through. There’s lotsa us ranchers round here and in a hunerd and fifty years we ain’t found no better solution.

Lucky for us, there’s a right purdy cowgirl named Shannon in town. Shannon, she’s a thinkin’ ta herself, “Hmm. What if we had a party when them cows come home? Instead of folks bein’ all mad and everything, we’ll get them to gather round at daybreak for a party. We’ll feed ‘em, play ‘em a little country music, let the young whippersnappers ride some horses, and then cheer when the cows come bouncin’ through. People’ll be right happy now, stead a bein’ so dang cranky.”

A lotta folk liked that idea. They headed to a nice grassy area behind a fence, to wait for them cows. Got there at 6:30 a.m. It was real dark and real cold, but I’ll be danged if two of the local restaurants didn’t have some grub for us to eat. Nice hot cocoa, and a rice, burger and egg platter, smothered in brown gravy. Burgers for breakfast? Hey, we’s cattle people. We don’t eat no pig.

Instead a gripin’ at the ranchers, they had a right nice little program, honoring all their hard work. Even gave 'em a gilded cow pie "award." What with the awards and all that live country music playin’ in the background, people were actually smiling.’ Men with radios kept track of the cows’ progress down that mountain, and soon somebuddy yelled, “They’s a comin’! The cows are comin’!”

The crowd ran up to the fence. We was told ta be kinda quiet cuz them cows get spooked purdy easy. And instead a bein’ all grumpy and ever thing, the folks was excited to see them cows prancin’ right through town.

And it only took a hunerd and fifty years.


  1. Glad I'm not the only one who was deeply affected by westerns as a child! I'd have loved this!

  2. Move over Louis L'Amour; we have us a new writer of western fiction.

  3. Ha!!!
    Bit like that here, without the cows.
    Well there are some, but different accents.

  4. Janice: You would have really had fun then! There were cowboys everywhere at that party on Saturday. They're bringing some more through next week if you want to stop by!

    Auntie M: Disclaimer---The accents in this story are entirely fictional and do not represent anyone living or dead. Any resemblance is purely coincidental. Hah! Just kidding! I ran a cell phone store for eight years and I can guarantee you that half of this county talks exactly like this!

    Pen: That's funny! So how's the baby watch going? Any news?

  5. Hayden: When you get one, come on over! You will fit right in--most people around here ride them like other people ride bikes!

  6. What a different kind of landscape for me! I have to come and visit you someday :)

  7. Randi,
    You are so funny! She is darn shootin' right guys.. half of these here folk done speek this way all the time.. :)

  8. septembermom: trust me, it's a different landscape for me too! Ha ha! The only thing that persuaded me to go to the party was that I knew there would be a fence separating me from the cows. And yes! You shall have to come visit someday.

    super sandy!: Thank you for backing me up here. They really do speak like they're fresh from a John Wayne movie, huh? :)

  9. Ken! You speak Utahn! How do you do that with a British accent?

  10. I finally remember: remedy!

  11. winston: Well it's a little late NOW, mister!

  12. Well, it's been well nigh a "hunerd and fifty years" since Josh Billings was in his prime and a "hunerd" since that Twain feller, so it's good to see someone at long last who knows how to write the way regular folk talk. Haven't read anything this good since the celebrated jumpin' frog.


  13. Robert: I'm glad you had a good time! You prompted me to go look up Josh Billings and he was quite the quotemaster too! I had never heard of him before, but now I am a new fan. Thank you!

  14. Hi, Randi-
    I know this doesn't give you much advance notice, but to have Bron visit your school would be best next Wednesday, October 14. Please email bronbahlmann@yahoo.com for easier contact info than blogs!
    (Nice cow pix, by the way.)

  15. Shirley--Thank you so much for the info! I'm looking forward to it!


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